Friday, April 11, 2008

Hillary Sculpt By Arshak

Jim Smith and I designed this little item for lovers of democracy and despisers of misogyny everywhere.Well, she survived Monica and Bosnia and now is perfectly preserved in a rubber squeaky toy.


This is proof that she's really made it to the big leagues.

She is further honored by having internationally renowned sculptor Arshak Nazarian create a graven image of her. Arshak comes from a long line of Armenian sculptors, each one a revered master.

Arshak left his own body and entered Hillary's home at 3 in the morning to devour her very soul. He sucked it out and transferred it to clay so you and your loved ones could be protected when that hideous phone call comes. (As long as you buy the toy)
So now I have to design the box she comes in.
I need some jokes to put on the box.
If you have any funny ideas you'd like me to steal send 'em along. (Please not dirty!)

Trevor has already stepped ahead of the pack of cartoon writers with a handsome list of gags in the comments. Can you match his pointed wit?
These could be the hips that envelop and succor all us helpless children of the world. Are we ready for so much selfless love?

This is part of an ambitious toy project sponsored by a benevolent Texas Billionaire whose identity must remain secret in order to protect his loved ones. But feel free to thank his secret identity in the comments.

61 comments:

Andrew said...

BEE-YOU-TEA-FULL!!!!

Ethan said...

Wow, I love the shapes.

[Moth] said...

want one!

Kali Fontecchio said...

That ass has got to be giving her one hell of a backache.

Tyler C. Hendrix said...

That looks awesome.

Unfortunately, I can't think of any good jokes for the box. I'm not that great at political humor.

Will Finn said...

Outstanding. Best caricature of her that I have seen.

Mattieshoe said...

When can I get these, John?

They're spectacular!

Booo Tooons Ltd. said...

FREE JOKES:

Now you can hold the woman who has the world in her hands in yours!

She plays with your taxes, while you can play with her asses.

She's stubborn; contains no moveable parts!

Waterproof: Play with Hilary in the tub!

Hurry! Open this box now so she can get to thinking outside of it.

Made In Afghanistan

Over-achiever, over-analytical, over-emotional, over-bite.

Contains policies that may be of a choking hazard. Keep out of the reach of reason.

-----------

I love this one, John! I hope you like at least one of my jokes.

Also, good to see you have the John K. store up and running. I'm buying all those damn shirts.

- trevor.

hayden the wise said...

hilarious joke follows:

how are indians and ducks similar

they both float on water

Dear Joshy said...

Dear John,

I have a submission for the box...

"How many angels dance on the head of a pin?"

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/politics/2008/04/11/sot.clinton.laughs.off.pool

Who loves ya baby,
- Josh

Zack Wallenfang said...

This is great. I hope her bid head won't cause her to tip over a lot.

Mad Magazine had some good campaign slogans a while back. My favorite:

"The only time she won't take a stand is when peeing"

THE SIR, James Suhr said...

hilarious!!!

joecartoon said...

when you go to resin or vinyl...
i want one.
joe

Chris Rank said...

I can hear the words:
"It's a MAUHN!" (ala the ugly woman who surprises Roger in Who framed Roger Rabbit?" Surely done a hundred other times)

Chris Rank said...

Oh, sorry one more thing: Are these going to be made of hi quality rubber with a little sqeek inside so i can give one to my dog in addition to the one on the desk?

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Very nice! And Trevor's gags were great!

Weirdo said...

Excellent work with this sculpture. Are you going to do another for those who hate racism, if you get my drift.

Whit said...

How about these:

"She's a victim AND a fighter!"

"The candidate uneducated, overweight man-haters adore!"

"Repeats every catchphrase her opponent says!

"Will make a better president than the one on whose experience she's running!"

"Cackles when confronted by truth."

"Would fire Mark Penn but she doesn't need another Dick Morris."

"Buy this toy so she can pay off U.C. Davis."

"What 2007 tax returns?"

Ardy said...

JOKES:

This toy is even more packaged than her campaign platform.

Experience the joy of more experience.

Almost as plastic as Ms. Clinton's actual face!

Can make every facial expression Ms. Clinton has.

Are you a lobbyist? Place Hillary in your actual pocket!

Ask her about her war vote to hear a real-life response (none).

Is America ready for a president with a mullet?

Product is non-flammable. Only her chances of winning will go up in flames.

WARNING: Your payment for this product may or may not receive full disclosure by the Clinton Campaign.

littlearse said...

holy banana bread i hate politics but Hill's got quite the package. So here goes my nice ones:


The First Lady in a box since Barbie!


Clint'n is in mint'n condtion!


...stay tuned for my cannot-help-myself-from-making-cheap-shots ones...

littlearse said...

...here are my not so nice ones


Bill's 2nd lady not included.


I thought bush wasn't allowed to run!


...CONGRATS JOHN ON GETTING TO DO THE BOX

Mitch L said...

Looks sweet, thanks sponser X!
I like "She's stubborn; contains no moveable parts!" so far the best.

I saw the banner from the John K Tshirts. They look cool, gonna buy some!
He John, do you still want that ink from George? You can have it if you want.

Skun said...

Hello there,

lets see here...

- IQ is ACTUAL SIZE! (Zing!)

- Contains less harmful color dyes than the other party candidates dolls!

- now you can be the loyal husband I never had!

ok the next few might void these ones from getting published. lol

If i made you laugh, i owed you big time.

Whit said...

One that works with the pose:

"The strap-on I wear at 3 a.m. is THIS LONG!"

One that works with her campaign song:

"D.L.C. for you and me!"

Jim Rockford said...

"great for practicing the art of voodoo"

akira said...

awesome caricature sculpt and probably will sell to a lot of people but what i would REALLY love is some John K supervised sculpts of some classic Clampett Looney tunes poses! disney made a pretty cool high quality series of WDCC sculpts, and i think the woody woodpeckers from last year are pretty good, but i haven't seen a really great lin of looney tunes figurines yet..

akira said...

oh man i just read that it's a squeaky toy! is that true? if it was i'd definitely buy them for presents to give to people's dogs! (no offense to your artistry)

David Germain said...

I thought of one that I like to think is good:

"If the toy gets dirty, use White Water."

Will you also be needing jokes for the McCain sculpture? Or an Obama sculpture if you have one?

sarah j. said...

Gorgeous. I WILL buy this. Even though I don't care for the way Bill and her advisors are handling her campaign, I have to admire Hillary. That woman is FIERCE!

Sphyzex_9 said...

Where's Obama?

PCUnfunny said...

"and Bosnia"

John you know that was BS that even Hillary admitted to, right ? Anyway, I love this swell toy.

patchwork said...

she should come with a li'l friend

Taco Wiz said...

I don't care about politics [I'm twelve years old after all], but this toy looks hilarious, so I'm buying it! JOHN K RULES! By the way, John, congrats on the new George Liquor shirts and toy deal! I'm going to get this Hilary Clinton toy as soon as it comes out!

Aaron J said...

john, i should have been doing my Canterbury tales essay on my hot friday night, but i instead made some hillary jokes:


1) not appropriate for ages 200 and younger
2) butt-dimensions may appear smaller in package
3) Hill-Cat's canines have been filed-down for "real-human" realism
4) additional pant suits not included
5) "satisfaction not guaranteed"
6) Bill's 2nd Lady
7) WARNING: not feng shui compatible
8) estrogen-free
9) may control home once opened
10) with secret-decoder wedding ring
11) super powerful cackling-action (deactivated)
12) with ultra-modern hair-style (limited to 2008)
13) eyes may radiate symptoms of illness or death
14) cheek bones not intended for younger viewers
15) now made wrinkle proof
16) may accost other toys

if you choose to use any, please notify me, along w/ 5 bucks multiplied by larger numbers. x)

patchwork said...

it looks like a can-opener!

Rob said...

"I promise to give you this much freedom"

"Pull string, and listen to figure speak mid-western, east-coast, west coast, and inner city slang!"

"Keep children out of reach of Hillary."

"Shame for the whole Country."

"Life-like menopause action!"

"Makes your decisions for you"

"Chinese bodyguards, German Tanks, and Mexican police sold separately"

Mattieshoe said...

"Made of 100% Recycled Promises"

lastangelman said...

Thunder Thighs and Lies.

Zorrilla said...

John, you have to make a squeaky-toy version of it! Those buttocks are an invitation to pinching.

Johnny Mastronardi said...

"It's Bill's turn to be First Lady."

"Hey, she may be a woman, but at least she's white."

joshua said...

finally the chance to blame a woman for your problems!

G.M. dela Cruz said...

include a mole in her left cheek and you'll have gloria macapagal arroyo! Dead on!

The Jerk said...

"batteries and experience not required"

Michael A. Bino said...

Two for one value! Becomes a Chelsea figurine in 32 years.

Booo Tooons Ltd. said...

MORE FREE JOKES:

All proceeds go to help strengthen the middle class!

Pull the chord, she speaks: "For seven years, the drug companies, the insurance companies, the oil companies and Wall Street have had a President; I think it's time the American people had a President they could play with in the bath or sandox."

Be Democratic! Buy two!

Be the first active voter on your block to own the all new Hillary Clinton Inaction Figure! Complete with unmovable parts!

Coming in '09, The White House: Hilary's Play Den! Re-design America's First Home with a woman's touch! Comes with customizable furniture and a First Hubby Clinton doll in the Oval Orifice.*

*Whether or not this product is put into production depends heavily on election results.

Kiss war games goodbye! Scrap your G.I. Joes and your little green army men! Trade them in for one democratic doll! You don't need war with this nutcracker!

Buy a Hillary doll! Get free healthcare! Close the gap!

Want to take Hillary to bed, but don't want to squash her in the night? Don't worry. Hillary Doll is durable and stubborn! Some say she's made of iron, but these are only fables. Formicka and Fortitude, that's what she's built with!

This toy is designed in a kind of retro style, the way fun classic toys used to be! This is something which is not done these days, but Spümcø and Hillary want to promote "change".

You can balance a beer and the budget on her rump!

Interactive Emotion Chip Technology: Ask her how she does it, how she stays so upbeat and wonderful, and the doll actually cries!

What the hell, Vote Clinton 2012!

Look at those teeth! Close The Gap!

Designed by John Kricfalusi and Jim Smith. John is the creator of Ren and Stimpy and Jim is the creator of Newt Gingrich.

Hillary Doll was sculpted by renowned gypsy Master Sculptor Arshak Nazarian. "Arshak" is also an anagram for Awesome Rockin Sculptor Handling All Klay. ( In Gypsia, people spell English words wrong to be ironic. They've also found this promotes 'change'.)

This toy made out of recycled Beanie Babies.

Box printed on recycled basic human rights lost during the war on terror.


------

I hope that's not too preachy. Maybe there's one or two in there you could use.

- trevor.

Jorge Garrido said...

Satisfaction guaranteed with purchase of Monica Lewinsky doll.

Julián Höek said...

hey john, off topic:
you once talk about how it would be like to see somebody acting out a scene in the the cal art stile. i found out this video today at cartoonbrew.com if you haven't seen it yet you should check it out!

http://www.4shared.com/file/41231103/59d80008/ComparisonReelHD.html

Vincent Waller said...

Thank You Mr. Benefactor.

John, Sorry I missed the gathering. I was too pooped to party.

Shorty said...

Love the sculpt.

For some tag lines-

"Would fire Mark Penn but she doesn't need another Dick Morris."
Could be written as-
Would let Mark out of the Penn and won't Dick Morris?

Potentially the first lady to bring you a first gentleman.

Complete with x# passive policies that do nothing!

Includes 50% extra packaging!

9 out of the 10 Democrats surveyed agree that they get better results talking to toy Hillary than the real one!


To add to a potential string of warnings-

Not advised as a sex toy.


Assuming it is a rubber one (fnar)-

Finally we've delivered the flexibility you've always craved in politicians

Make her bend for you!


The bottle opener is a great idea, you could put a hole in her butt for twist tops too!


It also reminds me of the Rubbery Figures show in Oz, which was a great political mockery, http://www.nicholsoncartoons.com.au/rubbery.php
I've been thinking there should be another piss take on politics like that, with some puppets, and the average computer I could see a weekly episode getting made.


Can't wait for the rest of the line and some global representation.

-Shorty

Yosef said...

Skun's "now you can be the loyal husband I never had" is total gold!!!!

Here are some from me :D

"Now you TOO can see why Bill went elsewhere"

"Item may cause Bosnian Sniper-fire hallucinations"

:)

Gavin Mouldey said...

Just reread the post and saw your not dirty proviso. Sorry.

Mr. Semaj said...

That booty is bouncalicious!

"Hill-Billy 2008!"

"40% discount for former Wal-Mart personnel"

"Baggage not included."

"The Bane of John McCain."

"Blue-collar accessible."

Pat McMicheal said...

:A Vote for Hilary keeps "BUSH" in the Whitehouse:

and i don't mean George Bush!

You will sell millions!Great Hideous likeness and accurate fat ass.

Jim Rockford said...

If you make a Monica doll you can advertise "Stain resistant" on the box!

Jim Rockford said...

how about "two faced,just like the real thing"

Jim Rockford said...

"feminist teething toy"

Jim Rockford said...

"realistic hollow head"

Chip Butty said...

John, could you even get away with an Obama toy, or would any cartoony rendition of a black guy qualify as racist by PC standards?

Tony C. said...

Buy Hillary (no longer just for lobbyists)!

Toonimated said...

Just beautifull.
You're the only cartoonist that still puts time in his work.
Are these for sale? I want one!

thegirlinblue0 said...

If you make a Barack dolll..

"Not available in Florida or Michigan"