Monday, September 29, 2008

Smokey The Pectoral Bear Raises Your Children Right

Well Mike Fontanelli has switched obsessions. He's abandoned his role as champion of Native Americans in favor of spreading the lore of Smokey The Pectoral Bear.

Smokey the "Bear" is a misnomer. He is actually half man /half bear. He has pectoral muscles, walks bipedally, talks and will not wear a shirt. He teaches his son all-American man morals too: "Son, always remember to never wear a shirt while patrolling the forest. Bare your naked breast with manly pride."


You might think you already know everything there is to know about Smokey The Bear. But you're wrong. - Unless you have read this mysterious freak of nature's gripping ethical adventures in Dell Comics.

Smokey does more than just put out forest fires. His role is much more all-encompassing than merely ridding the wilds of arsonists. He has many surprising responsibilities.


INTERFERING WITH NATURE

Smokey is revolted by the natural order of things.
He needs to stop carnivores from eating cute things.

Eating an ugly old Mom is just fine though.

TO PUT ANIMALS OUT THEIR MISERY
Smokey is always on the lookout for wounded animals so he can end their misery with his missile of mercy. "Hey Mr. Racoon. Is that a limp?"
"Uh, no sir, Mr. Smokey! It's just a little scratch! I stepped on a burr! Nothing serious at all." "Tsk, tsk" says Smokey. If there's one thing I can't stand; it's to see a poor ignorant beast in pain."
"Oh, please, Mr. Ranger Bear, sir, don't cock that rifle! Honest, it doesn't hurt a ..."
BOOOOM!
Thud.




TO SETTLE DISPUTES WITH ASSHOLES USING SUPERIOR FIGHTING SKILLS

Smokey is a good bear. There is an evil bear though. His name is GIMP. He tries to kill everyone - even animals without scratches, nicks, wounds or blemish. Smokey stops the killings with mixed martial arts. Here Gimp tries to kill Smokey and his baby.
Then Smokey pushes Gimp's car over a cliff. It lands and bursts into flames. Smokey pulls his burning cousin out of the mangled melted metal hulk, eager to put him out of his misery.
But when the whole forest catches fire he makes a deal and promises to not kill Gimp, if Gimp will just help him put out the fire. Gimp always lies and tries to kill Smokey and his baby in every issue, but Smokey is so good that he believes the 3 time loser every time. Dell comics feels that this message of trusting your most vicious enemies will comfort Moms. I find comfort in it myself.

After Gimp betrays Smokey for the 57th time, our hero decides to give him a lesson in Greco-Roman wrestling on a floating log.Smokey is also quite adept at American fisticuffs. Fighting fair is the best way to take care of murdering hairy blue monsters.
Smokey knocks out the killer and gives him another chance in the next issue, hoping that Gimp might pick up a scratch so he can without guilt put him out of his pain.

TO EDUCATE OUR YOUTH ABOUT THE POCKET GOPHER

TO BEAT ENDANGERED SPECIES WITH STICKS

Smokey never forgets to give the recipients of his mercy killings a decent burial. Here he is waving to Moms from the cemetary. "You can trust me with your kids" he seems to be saying.


There are many more Smokey thrills to come.

43 comments:

Kali Fontecchio said...

Hey you forgot Smokey The Homicidal Maniac!

I caught him trying to kill Yogi The Friendly Giant just a little while ago.

Timefishblue said...

Oh my god, that was a hilarious post! Smokey is a real American hero!

Shawn said...

Smokey The Pectoral Bear is the Fearless Fosdick of the animal kingdom!

Gabriele_Gabba said...

'Its alright son, it had a scratch so i showed it the way to heaven with daddy's 12 gauge boomstick'

Hahaha, this is a cartoon waiting to be made! I'm sure the network mommy's would be equally pleased!

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Hilarious! Smokey determines who lives and dies in that forest, and he's rewarded with the seal of good taste!

SoleilSmile said...

This was fun! Hey, wasn't there a documentary about how comics in the 50's had to be regulated because the Hayes office, or some authority like it, accused comics of degenerating kids?

I always thought that was the weirdest thing!

On another note, this post reminds me of your Ranger Smith cartoon when the title character harassed a squirrel for having too many kids!

Great stuff Mr. K

Oliver_A said...

Bwahahah! I laughed through the whole post! If this is some sort of idea for a new character on your show, THEN PLEASE DO IT!!!

roberto la forgia said...

fantastico!

booleanspline said...

i never realized there so many sides to smokey the bear. hes very multifaceted and gregarious.

Beebo said...

That Dell Comics pledge must have come out of the huge comic books controversy of the 50's, when people decided comics were corrupting the youth of America. This is what put the great EC horror comics out of business. It's also why Bill Gaines changed Mad into a magazine, if it was no longer a comic book, it was no longer satan's evil tool.

Fabián Fucci said...

Somokey definitely has a style in being a pro! :-D

Peggy said...

I'm lookin' at his clothing, and his size, and his butchness, and I'm just thinkin', yeah, Smokey the bear, alright...

Caleb said...

If I were a “writer” for Smokey, I would have so many questions: How much can Smokey bench? Who modifies his rifles to accommodate his man/bear mitts? Does he put his pants on one paw at a time? Is he the missing link? What sort of loss is he obviously compensating for? Has anyone ever seen Smokey and Ranger Smith in the same place at the same time?

I think the key theme here is that Smokey fights for the underdog, which is what nature is all about.

Adam H said...

I love how he mentions that the truck tipped over & caught flames, without mentioning that it was proud, honest Smokey the Pectoral Bear who pushed it over.

Jeremy said...

"If there's one thing I can't stand; it's to see a poor ignorant beast in pain."

HAHA Classic!

captain ahar said...

That was hilarious, and I have a wheezy laugh. If I was on a Mac, I would have recorded my reading session and posted it on Youtube for all to enjoy.

The only comics from the period I've read (apart from comic strips) are "Nancy and Sluggo" and some of the Disney licensed ones. Mainly because they were dirt cheap when I came across them.

I dig the absurdly detailed cover painting of Smokey and the Gimp (minus all of his fetishistic accoutrement) fighting on the free-floating log.

Cheers, sir.

perspex said...

wow, that's what happened to comics after Dr Wertham... im kinda glad i just barely missed those years as a kid...depressing!

Rev. Lenny Bruce Proust said...

"The pocket gopher lives alone.. AND LIKES IT!"

As opposed to all those other animals who hate their living conditions.

smackmonkey said...

I want my own shotgun-ridin' snitch of a raccoon, too!

SlashHalen said...

So basically, he's George Liquor?... But a bear?... And a little bit nicer?...

I believe it.

Oh crap, I got it! Have George and Smokey fight in your new cartoon. That would great.

Phantom Spitter said...

"Bare your naked breast with manly pride".

Somehow I can't imagine ol' Smokey the Pectoral Bear saying that. Oh well.

trevor said...

Kali, that's scary! But funny!

- trevor.

Adam T said...

That cover with Smokey fighting the wolves is so funny. He has a belt buckle with his name on it! And the way the animals eyes are drawn so you sympathize with Smokey his kid and that raccoon while hating the wolves IMMEDIATELY.

He has the ultra-dad physique too! The kind where you know the guy is out of shape but still really powerful.

I'd love to see Jim Smith caricature Smokey on that cover. He's the king of dad physiques.

HemlockMan said...

When I was a big-time comic book dealer I used to run into those Smokey Bear comics. They were indeed twisted, because they were written by men who held the old ideas that predators are evil and should all be exterminated.

And that version of Smokey looks like some kind of Marvel Comics superhero. Really weird.

Pete Emslie said...

Even though this peculiar comic seems aimed at young Republicans, I must say that there is much to appreciate in the visuals. Aside from the fact that Smokey pretty much qualifies as an early "furry" with his aforementioned human pecs, the drawing and inking of the characters is really solid and organic, while the layouts and posing are very dynamic.

Any idea on who illustrated these comics, John (or Mike)? It puts me in mind of Al Hubbard, who did many of the Disney animated feature comic adaptations, with it's strong posing and gutsy inking. By the way, I also think the fully painted covers to all of these issues are gorgeous. There was a lot of fine work that went into the more illustrative comic titles from both Dell and the Gold Key label that succeeded them.

Elana Pritchard said...

funny, I just bought a bottle of liquid smoke...

Peter said...

my guess is the comic pages are Jesse Marsh art, who drew a lot of Tarzan comics for Dell around this time.

The inking is kind of sloppy, but the posing and staging are great!

No idea about the cover paintings, possibly Richard Powers?

JohnK said...

I was thinking it might be Mel Crawford. It sure looks like someone who worked in animation.

Peter said...

yes, the Smokey the Bear Golden Book credits Mel Crawford as the painter so this is probably him.

some covers are by Morris Gollub who probably did the one of Smokey with the broken foot about to step on the fire.
http://comics.ha.com/common/view_item.php?Sale_No=824&Lot_No=44158#Photo

I wonder if Western Publishing owned the copyright to Smokey the Bear as indicated on some of these covers...

trevor said...

TO SETTLE DISPUTES WITH ASSHOLES USING SUPERIOR FIGHTING SKILLS

Hey, I thought we couldn't famucking swear!

- trevor.

Paul B said...

Hi John
I been doing some construction lessons

Here's one from Lil' Bad Wolf comic

What do you think?

thanks, your pal, Paul

lastangelman said...

The artwork in these comics is so - I dunno - republican? - the covers are far more interesting. I do like the villain, GIMP, a true maniac who hates the world and himself. Smokey is delusional, oblivious and a "benevolent" authoritarian. One has to wonder was this how the writer felt him or herself or was following a pre-ordained dictum by the publisher.

I just recalled an excellent Mad Magazine parody of "Rollerball" (Dick DeBartolo-Angelo Torres) that depicted some milquetoast questioning the actions of a bunch of hopped up on drugs rich people deliberately setting trees on fire with a ray gun, and the naysayer being shooshed by the admonition, "Everybody does it! Look!", the following panel showing Smokey Bear with grim determination firing a blazing ray gun towards his target.

Some people are creeped out by circus clowns, my bane was the anthropomorphic Smokey (The) Bear. The demeanor and deep round voice didn't come across as friendly, he sounded like he was gonna' jump outta the TV set and eat me in my bed. But I never set a forest on fire (proud to say, I helped put out two!)

These comics by DELL are so unintentionally hilarious - something you'd expect right out of the mouth of Teddy Roosevelt Bull Moose progressive after accidentally ingesting some ergot from a crust piece of old rye bread or pumpernickel - were these comics part of the basis for George Liquor's character?

Nico said...

funniest post EVER!

Stephen said...

Smokey's like a more interesting version of Mark Trail. Sure, Mark Trail beats the crap out of his foes, but he's not a pectorally-endowed half-man, half-bear in Wranglers and heroic belt buckle.

trevor said...

Smokey is the cousin of Smackey The Frog in England.... but let's face it, there's a little bit of Jesus in Smokey, too.

- trevor.

NateBear said...

That cover painting with Gimp is wholly disturbing. This inspired some sexy Smokey drawings outta me. Maybe i'll post em.

NateBear said...

Am I wrong to say that Smokey has an almost parallel outlook on the world to that of George?

Tony C. said...

John! I can't believe you forgot about the brand new Smokey the Bear (in CG so kids today can relate) seen in this new commercial here. And with a 'tude driven tagline "Get Your Smokey On". Could it be better?

Aaron said...

I didn't know he was a superhero

Hernán G. Fuentealba said...

happily real bears arent like that, we have enough with that kind of humans doing so

Pokey said...

You said Smokey BARES his muscles? How about BEARS!! To another commenter:
Either today, to make Smokey the Bear use CG, or a hand drawn bear with all the stupid out of place Elvis references a la the insufferable, un-bear-able Disney character Stitch.

Voltage said...

John--

Smokey the Bear rocks! I never knew he was so bad ass. This would be awesome as a movie.

Voltage said...

John--

Smokey the Bear rocks! I never knew he was such a bad ass. Not to mention those beautifully painted Dell covers, that are so epic. this would be an awesome movie.

V