Here is Kelly's interpretation of my rough scribble. She kept the guts, but needs to make the hierarchy of details make more sense. Let's look at the eyes.
Eyelids need to wrap around the eyes from the direction we see the eyes; in this case, we are looking up at them. Kelly has drawn them as if we are looking down on them. The curve is upside down. It's a misinterpretation of my scribble that has extra rough lines that are accidents or mistakes and don't mean anything.
The trick for a layout artist to tighten up storyboard drawings is to be able to tell what is essential in the rough and reinforce that, but also be able to see what are just scribbly extra accidental lines that mean nothing.
Eyebrows should never be just single thin lines. They are shapes that border an area of hair above your eyes, so make those shapes distinct and make sure you use them to reinforce the expression.
Eyelashes. I like to take the top line of the eyes and make it thicker in the middle. This suggests eyelashes using simplified cartoon license. This is an old Disney trick that helps draw your attention to the eyes, and thus the expression. It is also appealing.
Everything to do with the eyes needs to follow the same physics of the eyes, not contradict their position. If they don't, they distract from the expression.
I'll go over the whole drawing, bit by bit in different posts. (If Kelly doesn't mind)