Tuesday, January 04, 2011

A Universal Truth

If there's one thing I learned from skulking around in the paperback section of my local drugstore when I was kid it was this: ALL THINGS EVERYWHERE CRAVE OUR WOMEN.
I don't care what race, species or genera you are, whether you are living or dead, animal, vegetable, mineral, fungi or bacteria - your first thought upon each aching waking morn is how to steal our women.
And who can blame you? Look at them.
Some people are willing to melt whole cities just to nab one choice specimen.
What happened to the future anyway? I was raised to believe that man's technology would one day enable women to wear the scantiest of flimsy clothing in any environment, in heat cold and even the airless dead vacuum of space. Instead, what did we get when the future came? Rap and Facebook.

HUMANOIDS
On the planets nearest our own, life has evolved according to the incredibly coincidental laws of parallel evolution.
They are like us in 98% of their anatomy, but differ in some minor part. Maybe they have bulgy eyes, or green skin or an extra limb or 2.

A couple planets further down the solar system brings us creatures who've evolved through cross classes, exhibiting features from the animal, bird and sundry other tangled branches of life.
SLITHERING SLIMY OOZING ALIENS
In other star systems we find more imaginatively evolved creatures
They may be further away from our anatomical structures - at least most of them, but they share with us the one universal need for human women.

On KIX world, the lusty creatures swell their puffed cereal bits atop their exoskeltons to impress pliable females borne of a star system light centuries away. Whips lacerate and burst the KIX pustules and cause stinging searing pain to the poor creatures who merely crave to improve their degraded gene pool.Water pistols are lethal weapons on a world wrapped in an atmosphere of helium gas.
Our most intelligent scientists carry their precious cargo in moisture-tight bullet shaped capsules made from alloys forged in the sterile gravity free nether regions of space. We could use some of these sound proof hydro-sealed capsules ourselves.


APPLIANCES
We higher thinking males have to be more careful with the inventions we create, lest they too turn on us and take away our inspirations.
Here a robot fights to the death with a dragon for the right to mate with a heaving pulsing human damsel.
The only thing that can stop the lusts of computerized machines is a simple plumbing pipe. Higher machines have learned to respect and fear their primitive ancestors.

GHOULS
Even things that no longer breathe need feminine company. Impaled heads can get especially lonely.

ARTHROPODS
Insects have a special need for mates with mushy outer parts. Their jagged pincers are perfectly adapted to puncture and inject their love venom into the soft yielding flesh. Once they get a hold of your sister, it's game over.
Why didn't future fashion turn out this flimsy? Covers like these sold billions of paperback books so it's it's pretty obvious that there is call for it. Maybe designers feared that clothing like this is just asking for aliens to conquer us.
Underpants man stabs his scout knife straight through the steel hide of the chitinous drooling beast before him. He may have missed the reproductive segment and that will be his undoing.
BEASTS
Even bats, manta rays and tyrannosaurs can't resist the pheromones of the human female. That's probably why they evolved in the first place.

The trapped girl below is mildy concerned about the snake with the human head that is about french kiss her.
This fine literature tells us the only reason men exist at all is to protect our helpless mates from the lusts of even more vulgar and loathsome creatures than ouselves.
IF ONLY THE OPPOSITE WERE TRUE...
but only in fantasy stories that beg the imagination.

It's a good thing today's animation producers didn't rule the pulp age or all the covers would have depicted scenes like these:

46 comments:

Brian Carter said...

Oh, man, Cupid's Capers, I'm in love...

Rothello said...

Reminds me of an old B-movie where a "Martian" (in actuality a dude with a bunch of metal and garbage cans thrown on him to make him look spacey) said in a very serious voice:

"We want your women. AND WHAT WE WANT, WE TAKE!"

cold heartless space bastards.

smackmonkey said...

Not to be too indelicate but aliens must only attack when the weather's chilly. I didn't think metal breast plates were deformed so easily.

How come you didn't include any Frazetta Buck Rodgers covers?

Niki said...

I understand completely. Nobody wants to see men beat the crap out of robots unless women are already watching them.

SoleilSmile said...

RiOT! This is on par with "Socks for Christmas"!
Thanks, John :D

C.M.S Branting said...

Hey John! Have You ever read Valérian and Laureline? It`s a French Sci Fi comic that... well, delivers what it promise.

Jorge said...

Some headlights!

zillustration said...

The Golden Age of Pulp! Mr. Pipe Wielder on Amazing Stories is also Mr. Chain Wielder a few covers below! The artist didn't even bother to flip the pose... Recycle-Reuse! "We're on a Deadline, People!"

Shea said...

I love these dime book covers! I think I want to start a phase of my work where I want to try and incorporate some of the elements of this. To me, these things really embody the 20th century for some reason.

solutionsby said...

magnificent observations!

Ben W said...

I'm guessing the artists for Startled Stories drew from live models who were cracking up about what they were portraying. The women on the Valley of Creation and snake-head man covers seem to have expressions more like "amused and high" than "mortal terror." Great post, what species wouldn't develop interstellar technology to come after our women.

Steven M. said...

It all boils down to one thing: Women, possibly the very base for sci-fi stories.

kurtwil said...

Nice assortment of artwork!

It would be nice to see "American" animated shows made today that are not reality show ripoffs, rehashed fairy tales, or illustrated political/social commentary.

morgueanne said...

But rap videos and facebook are littered with scantily clad women...just without the vintage sci-fi charm.
They need to start making movies like Plan 9 from Outer Space or The Lost Skeleton of Cadaver again (not REMAKES). Cast Casper van Dien as a cheesy hero and make Katy Perry the idiotic damsel. Throw in some midget aliens and a robot...now THAT would make a sweet comic book cover.

She-Thing said...

John, I'm kind of scared. It's as if you're about to say that comics should be done only for men.
Also think that Moebius and others rose and created some futuristic craziness. No crotches. Just simple imagination.

Anyway, as always I've got a request-
if by any chance you could describe how Mary Blair got to discover her style... few people drew like her in that time, but she sprouted and laughed at any monotony behind or in front of her. But how did she do it?

Portfolio of Kennneth Hui said...

wow, i love these old comic book covers. Whatever happen to the days where we can be that sexist and get away with it ?

Adam Tavares said...

This fine literature tells us the only reason men exist at all is to protect our helpless mates from the lusts of even more vulgar and loathsome creatures than ouselves.

That's true though. Women marry men for their own security. We exist to protect the baby incubators and help stir up the gene pool. We're guns with a DNA mixing spoon attached.

Men marry women to secure a sexy lookin' baby factory for their own private use. Women have to look hot and men have to have the muscle and technology to protect them. Otherwise they're disqualified for reproduction.

It's primitive. Don't let feminists convince you of their lies about women looking for understanding and respectful men. That's all PR. They want body guards who'll kill alien slime molds and giant cockroaches if the need arise.

It is a universal truth. If I ever have to give my future teenage son 'the talk' I'll show him these magazine covers and have him listen to a couple of Prince albums. That'll sum things up for him nicely.

Adam Tavares said...

Also I should mention that species can lust after others even if the two's reproductive apparatuses aren't compatible. When my girlfriend's cat is in heat I have to peel her off me. It's gross.

Having a giant crusty alien mantis lusting after a soft sweet smelling human female isn't that far-fetched. There's a basis in reality for it. There's a precedent.

Taco Wiz A.K.A That One Guy said...

Is there anywhere I can still read old comics?

Vanoni! said...

CAN Captain Future DEFEAT Monochromatic Man and his PHALLIC launching rod of DOOM...and prevent him from LAUNCHING this HELPLESS female CREATURE into orbit in his giant SPACE vibrator????
Find out in the next issue of
CAPTAIN FUTURE! MAAAAAAAAN OF TOMORROW!

mike f. said...

Yeah - human women! And don't forget, crabs and squids like them, too.

Remember when Star Trek (1966) featured scantily-clad girl officers in miniskirts? It projected a future to believe in, and actually look forward to. TV producers understood the basic Sci-Fi market back then: teenage wankers of all ages, plus other high-functioning (but horny) social misfits.

Times sure have changed; the P.C. Thought Police (and other aging hippie-types) changed all that forever. By the time of Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987), the VERY FIRST order of business was to put ALL the women in pants suits! (The second order of business was for me to stop watching, along with ever other 100% red-blooded American male.)

mike f. said...

If I ever have to give my future teenage son 'the talk' I'll show him these magazine covers and have him listen to a couple of Prince albums...

Won't that defeat the purpose?

Adam Tavares said...

Won't that defeat the purpose?

Despite the assless jeans and androgyny Prince has a realistic view of sex and relationships.

Any man that short who still gets tons of pussy knows a thing or two about how women minds' work and what they actually want.

Trevor G. said...

Adam says,
"Having a giant crusty alien mantis lusting after a soft sweet smelling human female isn't that far-fetched. There's a basis in reality for it. There's a precedent."

Have you ever walked through a field and had to peel grasshoppers off your leg? Get real. lol

Cat's rub up against anything and everything when they are in heat. You are not so special. ;p

The Butcher said...

The Japanese carry on the tradition of slimy creatures mating with human females, except they do it more explicitly.

Patrick McMicheal said...

They never seem to be interested in the Old Man in a Wheel Chair, or Walmart shoppers! You'd think they would capture MEN for the genetic info stored in their junk!

banjodevon said...

2nd pic = fantastic pose

Sven Hoek said...

"You'd think they would capture MEN for the genetic info stored in their junk!"

If these comics existed today thats exactly what they would be. Aliens abducting middle aged men so they could remove their reproductive organs and put them back into important roles in society, so they would emasculate all the other men on earth so the women would be ready and waiting to go with the aliens.

Adam Tavares said...

Have you ever walked through a field and had to peel grasshoppers off your leg? Get real. lol

Cat's rub up against anything and everything when they are in heat. You are not so special. ;p


Thanks for proving my point while somehow still disagreeing with me.

Elana Pritchard said...

Seriously. We ladies have enough problems with you Earth men. The last thing we need is some elasmobranch trying to shove us into its cloaca

marcushelbling said...

that was so funny.

Gabe's Cartoons said...

It has been a while since I've popped round here, but oh man I landed on the funniest post ever!!

Doing an entire cartoon about women being harassed by a plethora of different life forms would be the best!

Trevor G. said...

"Thanks for proving my point while somehow still disagreeing with me." - Adam Handsome-To-Cats Tavares

You're welcome. Although I'm kind of disappointed you actually meant to make a point. It'd be saner if you were just joking around. lol

We ARE after all talking about alien woman-snatchers from Mars!

SoleilSmile said...

By the way, John, you can continue with your Nicholas Ray posts. We're paying attention. I can't speak for everyone here, but I am waiting for you to apply the philosophy to storyboards. I was going to do something similar for my Flash filmmaking class with Preston Sturges. I love the cartoon-esque physical humor in his comedies :)
Start drawin' man!

zmerrill said...

"Instead, what did we get when the future came? Rap and Facebook."

Okay, I'd agree there with you on rap, but what's so bad about Facebook anyways? Facebook rules!

C said...

Wait, women can breathe in space? Why do we bother sending men up there?

manuel said...

You just have overlooked that there exists a parallel universe, where the female creatures on top of the food-chain just do not care about the short-living male pollinators. Male ones only see their three-dimensional appearance.

Seeing the twenty-something-dimensional truth would make the life of the simple male ones impossible, thus threatening the existence of all.

This is all part of a higher plan.

AtomicTiki said...

"A Captain Future Novel by MANLY WADE WELLMAN"

How much wood do you have to chop before you get the title of "Manly"?

Seriously these covers are hilarious and yet mesmerising. How come nobody paints like this anymore?

Pete Emslie said...

The space alien birdman on the 11th cover pictured looks a heck of a lot like Kramer from "Seinfeld". Maybe that's how Kramer got his first name - Cosmo!

Severin said...

Tony Millionaire did a terrific strip on this topic, but, alas, I don't think it's on his website any longer. I just combed his archives and didn't see it.

Williaint said...

These remind me of "Venus on the half shell", by Kilgore Trout...

AJ said...

I just thought of a Hal Rasmusson stye girl is running away from an alein persuer and droopy's north hounded police syle antics happen. Wild takes on girls has that ever happened in animation yet?

David Germain said...

American" animated shows made today that are not reality show ripoffs, rehashed fairy tales, or illustrated political/social commentary.

I agree with your assessment of the first two points. However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with political/social commentary in things. Really, there's no way NOT to put some kind of commentary into any piece of artwork anyone has or will make. Everyone adds their point of view no matter how hard they try not to, which is a good thing. Without it, the work has absolutely no substance.

But, of course, the entertainment value has to be present first. Without that, any commentary (political, social, or otherwise) would be irrelevant.

(I guess I felt I had to say something about this because I recently finished a comic book that is 26 pages of social commentary. You can't blame me.)

LOWENBOT and PEACHY said...

What are you talking about?! Me and my pals are hanging out in Space in just our panties and space helmets as i type!

slops said...

This one strikes me as a very early example of the Futura Extra Bold Condensed look that would become so popular a few decades later

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_mJ4lc_Q9Q6k/TSQP3KfQneI/AAAAAAAAugw/tiu3OXRIm68/s400/37.jpg

greenhorngallery said...

What's interesting to me is that out of the 50% Divorce rate I believe it's mostly the Women who "leave." Why on earth is that? I'm thinking Genetic Engineering is evolving around this Concept: Designing Girl "THING."