Hi John,
My name is Derek, and I'm a longtime fan. Yesterday was the 26th anniversary of my emergence from the womb, for which my girlfriend Stephanie handed me the personalized caricature you'd been working on with her secretive and deceitful electronic correspondence.
I've been told being birthed was an important moment. My memories are fuzzy, but it couldn't have been any cooler than yesterday.
I just wanted to sincerely thank you. I'm sure you hear that a lot, but from the bottom of my heart, the gift means a lot to me. If you would've told me when I was eight years old, watching Ren and Stimpy in euphoric glee, that I'm someday receive a personalized sketch from John K. for my birthday, I probably would've told you to shut up so I could watch the cartoon. Afterward, though, I would've peed everywhere.
Moistly,
Derek
If you wanna mess yourself too,