Tuesday, January 04, 2011

A Universal Truth

If there's one thing I learned from skulking around in the paperback section of my local drugstore when I was kid it was this: ALL THINGS EVERYWHERE CRAVE OUR WOMEN.
I don't care what race, species or genera you are, whether you are living or dead, animal, vegetable, mineral, fungi or bacteria - your first thought upon each aching waking morn is how to steal our women.
And who can blame you? Look at them.
Some people are willing to melt whole cities just to nab one choice specimen.
What happened to the future anyway? I was raised to believe that man's technology would one day enable women to wear the scantiest of flimsy clothing in any environment, in heat cold and even the airless dead vacuum of space. Instead, what did we get when the future came? Rap and Facebook.

On the planets nearest our own, life has evolved according to the incredibly coincidental laws of parallel evolution.
They are like us in 98% of their anatomy, but differ in some minor part. Maybe they have bulgy eyes, or green skin or an extra limb or 2.

A couple planets further down the solar system brings us creatures who've evolved through cross classes, exhibiting features from the animal, bird and sundry other tangled branches of life.
In other star systems we find more imaginatively evolved creatures
They may be further away from our anatomical structures - at least most of them, but they share with us the one universal need for human women.

On KIX world, the lusty creatures swell their puffed cereal bits atop their exoskeltons to impress pliable females borne of a star system light centuries away. Whips lacerate and burst the KIX pustules and cause stinging searing pain to the poor creatures who merely crave to improve their degraded gene pool.Water pistols are lethal weapons on a world wrapped in an atmosphere of helium gas.
Our most intelligent scientists carry their precious cargo in moisture-tight bullet shaped capsules made from alloys forged in the sterile gravity free nether regions of space. We could use some of these sound proof hydro-sealed capsules ourselves.

We higher thinking males have to be more careful with the inventions we create, lest they too turn on us and take away our inspirations.
Here a robot fights to the death with a dragon for the right to mate with a heaving pulsing human damsel.
The only thing that can stop the lusts of computerized machines is a simple plumbing pipe. Higher machines have learned to respect and fear their primitive ancestors.

Even things that no longer breathe need feminine company. Impaled heads can get especially lonely.

Insects have a special need for mates with mushy outer parts. Their jagged pincers are perfectly adapted to puncture and inject their love venom into the soft yielding flesh. Once they get a hold of your sister, it's game over.
Why didn't future fashion turn out this flimsy? Covers like these sold billions of paperback books so it's it's pretty obvious that there is call for it. Maybe designers feared that clothing like this is just asking for aliens to conquer us.
Underpants man stabs his scout knife straight through the steel hide of the chitinous drooling beast before him. He may have missed the reproductive segment and that will be his undoing.
Even bats, manta rays and tyrannosaurs can't resist the pheromones of the human female. That's probably why they evolved in the first place.

The trapped girl below is mildy concerned about the snake with the human head that is about french kiss her.
This fine literature tells us the only reason men exist at all is to protect our helpless mates from the lusts of even more vulgar and loathsome creatures than ouselves.
but only in fantasy stories that beg the imagination.

It's a good thing today's animation producers didn't rule the pulp age or all the covers would have depicted scenes like these: