I only know of one curmudgeon who's even more intolerant of modern culture than me and that's dear old Mike Fontanelli.
Somehow he can get away with saying things that I'd get lynched for and I have a theory of why.Because he has highlights on his butt cheeks.
Mike gets young girls over to his curmudgeon pad and starts right in on them. First, he insults their favorite rappers and he gets this.
Then he makes fun of their collection of lumpy toys.
They don't even take him seriously! "Aw Mikey, you're so cute when you hate our 90s nostalgic memories! Let's kiss you everywhere!"
Then he shows off his own hard shiny plastic gee-gaws and tells them "Real girls like hard things, not floppy things with buckled seams!"
So what do they do? They start in to stroking his popping veins thinking that might calm him down.
So that's the secret, fellas! You want some lovin' and the right to complain about hip-hop, flat cartoons and lumpy toys?
Get your butt cheeks polished! (it doesn't hurt to have perfect fingernails either.)
"Ha ha!" says Mike.
All the girls left in this condition.
