Monday, February 20, 2006

George Liquor Stories 1

This manly drawing was done by the incredible Jim Smith and clumsily painted by me. Go to his site and see more killer artwork!

George’s Trophies

The neighborhood kids are admiring George’s animal trophies in his den.
It’s full of huge animal heads and furs.
When one kid pipes up that his mom says animals have rights too,
George agrees and goes on to explain what their rights are:
“They have the right to fill my stomach,
to compete for their own hides with me and my gun,
While he is explaining this to the kids,
he is being stalked by a bear hunter who bags him
and gives him to his wife to wear as a human stole
around her neck.
Another female bear pelts her with an egg
for wearing a poor helpless human.

Domestic Abuse
George and his wife Mable get into a big spat about her smoking and stinking up the house. He tells her it’s ruining her health and she says she’s fitter than he’ll ever be and challenges him to a fight. They take their shirts off and have a knock-down drag-out fight. The cops come and say they’ve heard reports of domestic abuse. George hollers at them to take Mabel away because she just beat the living crap out of him.

Mabel Drops Dead

George Liquor’s wife smokes too much and it drives him crazy. He loves everything about her except the smoking. He warns her all the time that it’ll kill her and sure enough, this one last cigarette does the trick.
Then George has to explain death to the kids.
This story is rife with "heart' for all you Disney 'mos who love plot and artificial pathos!

George’s Crusade

A holiday weekend is coming up and George and the kids are discussing where they should go for a nice vacation.
The kids want Disneyland but George decides it would be much more fun to have their own little crusade.
He tells them about evil terrorists and how Bin Laden is still at large. “If the government can’t catch him, we’ll do it!”
He explains what an evil culture it is while he’s at it. “Their women are so ugly they have to wrap them in big bags, with a hole where only their mustaches can peek through!”
Slab “N’ Ernie can’t wait for the delightful weekend of fun.
They realize they have to soften Bin Laden up before they capture him, so they do that by exposing him to superior Western culture-they feed him McDonald’s burgers, hypnotize him with rap music, gouge his eyes with "adult" cartoons drawn by 3 year olds and make him listen to 3 Looney Tunes commentaries by Mike Barrier in a row. When he's all soft and stupid, they beat the crap out of him and end all wars forever.

Sody and Jimmy Stories

Sex Before Marriage
George Liquor comes home and catches Sody and Jimmy making out on the couch.
He freaks out, puts Jimmy the retarded boy in his room and proceeds to lecture Sody about morals.
“In our day, we waited till after we married before we had any hanky panky…in fact, 5 years after for Mabel and me…and we always apologized afterwards!”

Doin’ It With A ‘Tard
Sody Pop, the neighborhood's hottest teenager is having a get together with her girlfriends. They are playing truth or dare.
They dare Sody to do it with that ‘tard’ that lives down the street-George Liquor’s idiot nephew, Jimmy. “Ewwww!”
She does it though and then reports back that it was the best ever!
The girls come up with a theory that a ‘tard’ is man in his natural state. He’s like a caveman and that’s why he’s so good in bed.

They then decide that if only all men were tards, then women could rule the earth and there would be peace, love and cellulite for all.